How Not To Get Kidnapped In Mexico City So Far

When I informed people that I was going to Mexico City for the summer, quite a few confidently told me I’d be kidnapped while most were more polite and only silently hoped for it. But, as you may have noticed, I am not writing this from an overlooked broadband connection in a solitary room heavily guarded by machine guns outside. On the contrary, I have wireless here in my office at the SSP. How, you might ask, have I avoided being taken? I would chalk it up to many factors that don’t actually exist, a little bit of luck, and the fact that this city has been overhyped as a war zone in the news. But, to our credit, Jim and I have also taken certain precautions to survive in "one of the most dangerous cities in the world." If I stop posting without warning please don’t read beyond this sentence. Even an image as humble and perfectly flawless as mine could be tarnished by rumors of hubris.

When we leave the apartment, we don’t carry much: at most $50 and a camera only if we’re going somewhere very touristy. We wear nothing which will draw attention such as nice watches, expensive looking clothing, or nothing. When a mugging does occur, these things are almost always the "trigger" for a spotter, who signals his friends down the street. I always carry a spare ATM card with minimal amounts of money on it so if I am ever expressed kidnapped, I will only be able to withdraw a small amount of cash. In this case, the assailant will most likely unleash his anger upon my face, WHICH I will be able to reconstruct with the money I still have thanks to this clever little plan.

Taxis can be a gamble. Statistically, taxis are where most people experience theft or kidnapping. The hardest part about spotting the kidnappers in Mexico is that everyone here looks Mexican. The trick is to avoid the green VW buggy taxis, which operate like this: when you get in the back of one, another man from nowhere gets in after you. You’re too busy telling this man in the front seat you saw the taxi first to realize it’s a two door car, the only ways out are blocked, and the driver doesn’t seem to be going the right way… In general, if you want a safe taxi here, you have a hotel or office building call one, ask for the driver’s name, license plate, and a variety of penetrating, personal details. Once Manuel has demonstrated his favorite wood is mahogany and that he really is an epileptic, we can be on our way.

Buses are a little safer because they are more public. But just like mom used to say in elementary school: stay away from the short buses. Those are frequented by muggers and pick-pockets on occasion. On any bus leaving the city, the security guard will search your bag, pat you down, and then once you’re in your seat, video tape your face for several seconds for their records before the bus can leave. If you make a goofy face during recording, you are immediately moved to the seat next to the bathroom in the back. Hiking in the nearby mountains carries a slight risk too, and not just because of the dangerously normal levels of oxygen most Mexicans are unnacostumed to. There are accounts of people who wait up in the mountains just off the trails for bikers or hikers, pounce on them, take everything, and then get away. There is not much you can do to prevent this unless you are willing to carry and use several dozen ninja stars at all times.

The general rule of safety here is: if anyone talks to you, walk away immediately. There are certain areas to avoid in the city late at night, such as all of them. To thwart pick-pockets on the metro, it´s best to have your hands in your pockets or pants completely down. As for now, if we get kidnapped, the general plan is for Jim to pretend like he doesn’t speak Spanish and for me to pretend like I do.

But I don´t think that day will come. So far, Mexico City has been far safer than the news reports would like to make you think. I can´t go a block without seeing a group of Federal Policemen with automatic rifles. I walk to the grocery store at midnight to get food alone. And nearly every establishment here has its own hired security detail. Want to know the secret to staying out of harms way here? Don´t be a drunk douche showing off your wealth late at night in a bad neighborhood alone. This can be hard for some of us, sometimes not even worth trying, but in the end, it´s for the best maybe.

Most of the Mexican kids our age acknowledge the trouble the city is in and how badly they want to change. It´s a sad position to be in, but its inspirational to see how devoted they are to changing it. So with this lesson firmly in your short term memory, I’ll recap the weekend from last week in a little bit. See if you can spot where we should have been kidnapped!